A few weeks back I lost myself.
I was at the point of my very first legitimate nervous break down.
Something small but consistent got the better of me, and I let it bring me to a grinding halt.
I lost my marbles so to speak, you know how Ludacris had so many hoes in different area codes?? I’m pretty sure each one of them bitches had a marble of mine stuffed down their tiny tank tops, and each one was working randomly allocated street corners.
I was really surprised at myself, I’ve never let someone or something effect me so intensely-ever.
These little, some what insignificant events got bigger than the line up at Night n Day on $2 sundae Tuesday.
I’m generally a pretty positive and strong willed person, I know how to stand up for myself and how to be confident in what I’m saying and what I’m doing.
However, In a matter of moments my whole self as I knew it had crumbled.
I became increasingly anxious, nervous, and began to perceive myself as weak.
I felt embarrassed, ashamed and absolutely bat shit crazy.
I know some people struggle with these feelings on a daily basis and deem this as normal, to all of you, you are brave, strong and impressively courageous. To battle these demons constantly must be tiring and testing, if this is you -you’re a f**ken legend, keep up your amazing daily conquest, you’re an inspiration to us all 💖
For a short time, I let this self loss persuade how I felt, how I acted and how I began to treat others.
I aim to lead by example and intend to inspire, especially when it comes to my kids. They watch me and how I deal with such situations, this thought, along with being tired of feeling like shit was my motivation to get my compass out and navigate my mind, body and soul to its old self.
After a bit of reflection, some writing, some exercise, some venting, some comfort eating, a bit of arts n crafts, multiple coffees, emphasising the importance of my routine and some straight up “f**k this shit” mind set, I google mapped, took the high road and got myself back.
I found each marble and popped them back in their jar one by one.
The initial niggles that had me lost haven’t gone away, it’s just now that I know I’m still bigger, better and way fucken cooler than any of it – I’ve lost my f**ks to give 👌🏼
Them hoes must have them in their tiny tank tops instead of my marbles 🙌🏽
If you have or are experiencing something along these lines, remember to keep a tight hold on yourself.
If you’ve lost yourself like I did, retrace your steps just like ya did in 3rd form orienteering and track that legend down.
Don’t let something or someone let you contemplate who you are, what your worth,or question your strength and capability.
You’re better than that.
Pro tip from me and my marbles, I legit do this when I’m faced with a ‘niggle’
I sing in my head in a gangsta voice, a special song -you all know the part in that movie “Fist fight” when the dad gets up on stage with his wee girl…
“I don’t f**k wit chu…. ya lil stupid ass b**ch, I ain’t f**ken wit chu”
(Yeah ur all singing it in ur heads right now, you know how it is!)
Then I drop my metaphorical mic and limp away like a gangsta ass grey power member, requiring a hip replacement and clearly displays symptoms of lower back issues.
👊🏼👊🏼👊🏼